[23 Sep 2002|10:26am] hallo :) this is just a notice. in case you have SAINTKISAKI in your friend's list, kindly delete the journal as it's going to be replaced. thank you. -kisakichan

was i ever loved by you... [06 Sep 2002|11:24am] Knew the signs Wasn't right I was stupid for a while Swept away by you And now I feel like a fool So confused, My heart's bruised Was I ever loved by you? Out of reach, so far I never had your heart Out of reach, Couldn't see We were never Meant to be Catch myself From despair I could drown If I stay here Keeping busy everyday I know I will be OK But I was So confused, My heart's bruised Was I ever loved by you? Out of reach, so far I never had your heart Out of reach, Couldn't see We were never Meant to be So much hurt, So much pain Takes a while To regain What is lost inside And I hope that in time, You'll be out of my mind And I'll be over you But now I'm So confused, My heart's bruised Was I ever loved by you? Out of reach, So far I never had your heart Out of reach, Couldn't see We were never Meant to be Out of reach, So far You never gave your heart In my reach, I can see There's a life out there For me I guess those who know me, those who've seen my darkest and most loving side...know why i chose ths song to define what i'm feeling right now. Those who've seen my soul will know...why there's this deep sadness in me. Why everything feels so wrong. I only pray it all ends...soon. ~Kisachan

Whatever gets me through the day. [29 Aug 2002|07:25pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | Lifted by Lighthouse Family ] I'm going to try and not babble too much tonight. I might wake Hotochan ^^ I have him over again and we're going mirror shopping tomorrow, he's going to teach me some mirror buying tricks ^_^ *squishes sleeping chibi* I love him to bits, he's like the son i never had. anyway today turned out okay. nohing hurtful happened at least to my character. and i even got to chat to ruichan whom i lurve to the ends of this earth - not only is he a great guitar player - he's a a kindhearted person and a loyal friend. i have a feeling that not many of hakuei's friends like me. why do people hate people? why do other people make it their goal to hurt others? is this human nature talking? aggy sort of snapped yesterday, but she's okay now - major THANKS to raz and to Dd who stayed with aggy until we were able to clarify everything. i really dun mind if people look down on me and hate me. i have friends and they love me. i was wrong before. i'm not alone. and i even have a precious chibi who means the world to me, who believes i'm worth trusting. it's an honor. Totchi thanks for popping up this morning *hugs* i'd love to meet your koibito soon :) And I'm happy for you! Ruichan finally we get to rp! yaaay!! Hakuei why are you being sooo quiet :/ Lizeh *MAJOR HUGS* from me and aggeh Lychan thank you for caring and letting me keep HC tonight he's wonderful :) Raz your friendship is precious *GLOMPS and SQUEELS* luff you XD Dd not only did i annoy Kk by stealing your pictures (i gave them back already ;p) but i absolutely have to GLOMP you for staying with aggy. thank you. hichan and my Yuchan where are you two? *pouts* *worried* and last but not least Hotochan thank you sweetie, young as you are you've taught me to trust in people and see good in everyone, and even improve my fashion sense O_O you are a my blessing *SQUISHES and clings* ~Kisachan

Today i met Hotochan ^_______^ [27 Aug 2002|10:43pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Wish by Lighthouse Family ] *flips hair* LOOK! LOOK! My hair's turned deep brown XD I had a small trip to the salon with my new sweetie named Hotochan T_T he's so cute you wouldn't believe it. If I ever have kids i'd want them to look like Hotochan. He's the chibi version of Hotohori! my goodness...if that isn't enough...the boy has class! he always lugs a mirror with him and appreciates the finer things in life XD [in other words, the boy has manners ^_~ ]. We had our hair done [we both have deep brown hair now XD] and we had our facial, then hand and foot massage and I am going to buy him boots tomorrow, the real nasty stiletto kind before I have to give him back to Lychan *teary* he's like my little baby *snuggles sleeping chibi* He even calls me auntie kisachan *is deeply touched* Since my return from Canada, he's the only thing that's brightened up my arrival, completely. hichan seemed distracted when i was in Canada - must be due to the projet he's doing and the fact that Yuan's mad at him. It was still an enjoyable visit anyway - his gang was totally up and at it, full of antics and jokes it kept me on my toes the whole time. Now I'm back again, sleeping chibi beside me...and I'm about to answer Hakuei's posty. I'm in a very good mood to answer and show off the new icon that Ruichan gave me. For all my whiny banter - beyond everything I ever complain about - i think I'm blessed to have such great friends and bandmates - and of course a little chibi that I am honored to have met. ^^ I'm in such a maternal mood, tonight so I'll have to go because I'll have to make Hotochan some hot milk and go steal some cookies from aggy's cookie bin >=D so when Hotochan wakes up he'll have something to munch on ^_~ *flounces* Ba-yo. ~Kisachan

Canada's one big party...in my head. [24 Aug 2002|10:44pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | "Home and Dry" by The Petshop Boys ] i thank technology, i thank the internet...i can be working and still be somewhere that makes me happy. i thought i had been thrown of course in Hong Kong. i didn't get a pae from hichan so i didn't know if Kk and i were welcome. and Kk wasn't much fun, he just sat there in Hong Kong dazed and confused ~_~ so i forged on...i needed to see hichan. i feel like a TV star because somehow - my roleplaying self and my off-roleplaying self kind of bleeds into each other even if i don't want them too. but right now - the rp's doing great, nice plos have been set > and i'm looking forward to a scene with ruizachan *squeels* yes, i do sound happy don't i? *winks* well it's because i'm sitting comfortably >.> and not lasciviously on here *feels weak ^^* we still have to talk and sort things out but things are looking well. and Dd's here *gasps* i was rather surprised when Kk came back and well he had company with him XD big red puffball company *snickers* but you'd all be proud of me since i kept my mouth shut and didn't make any comments :p but i'm happy that Kk's happy - god first real smile in weeks. we were being really loud, joking around and stuff - hichan, chiro, joe and i.n.a. ; and the Empress [Kaoru] wasn;t really up for anything so he excused himself and went to the park >.> him and that park = Dd, Kk actually stayed there the first night we arrived just sitting there ~_~; well NOW that's changed and Dd's here and i don't have to worry [gosh, it gives me stress lines] about either of them. tomorrow hichan and i are going out - just the two of us. that's something to look forward to and i can't decide what i'd want to wear yet ^^ i'll ask Kk tomorrow :p but tonight i get to be excited and giddy and in a few minutes beauty sleep shall come. oh and i'm not really young anymore so i'd like to thank Lancome's age defying creme *laughs* Ja. ~Kisachan

[22 Aug 2002|04:45pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Running Away by Hoobastank ] We're in Hong Kong for a 5 hour stop over. I feel so giddy I just want to see hichan i'm so worried about him. Good thing I found this terminal so i can at least give an update. Aggy we're okay, we miss you. Kk's on the other computer but he's pretty much occupied. I don't know what he's doing though. He slept through the flight, and will probably sleep through the rest of the flight to Canada. He hasn't spoken much - I did al the talking as usual and I made him smile around 3 times ^_^V because I tripped [don't say poor baby >.>] We were suposed to find Zarzar over here but she's pretty busy with preparations going to London and maybe we'll meet for ice cream later. Kk'd like to see her I'm sure. so how are things going? Chisato said you guys are planning a Pizza fest for the week? Is that true - knowing you Aggy you wouldn't last a day without noodles and chinese food XD Kk just got up, and just asked me if we could go around the market. I have to go :) Hugs to you and Chisato. AH!! YUAN!! We'll be there soon and I brought Kk with me...tell hichan I'm coming for him and that I lub him ^^ *blush* If Chirochan is within arm's reach please GLOMP him for me ^_^ Okay I dun see Kk anymore - gotta go find him...Baibai. ~Kisachan

YUAN! [22 Aug 2002|07:19am] would it be okay if i took a late flight in to see hichan? i'd really like to talk to him...and i know it'd put a lot of issues to rest if i did. i'm glad he's back. i'm glad he's alive T-T i'll start packing now. ~Kisachan

[21 Aug 2002|03:39pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | - just me sniffling - ] *shuts the door to his room* Dd yelled at me T-T he never yells at anyone. yelling is my job. what happened? what's wrong between him and Kk >_< and i couldn't tell aggy...i'm still not supposed to talk to her...i got scared Dd NEVER yells at ANYONE...HE NEVER loses his cool...and he smelled of alcohol...he was drinking O_O ...whatever came over him, whatever it was i hope Dd will be okay... ...i hope both of them will be okay... ~Kisachan

back to reality [18 Aug 2002|07:10pm] It's exactly 7:11 PM and I'm quite tired from our trip. The house is actually pretty quiet. Kk's not here. Aggy's resting. And I'm still not in the mood to talk much. Then I came across chirochan's entry in hichan's blog. what happened? what did i do? chirochan i was only telling the truth...i hope hichan's back...i'm sorry it's only now that i came across that entry. would you like me to go there. if i'm permitted, i'd really like to talk to hichan as well... ...i miss him... ~Kisachan

Naruhodo [15 Aug 2002|06:53pm] [ mood | pathetically powerful ] [ music | Beautiful Alone - Weiss Kreuz ] ...really it's true... Everyone posts tonight. That's what aggy said. That includes her as well. I wonder why she's suddenly rounding us up. But then again I can't be *that* stupid for denying the fact that I *know* exactly what's going down tonight. I'm pretty much recovered. What's the point of staying at odds with people who don't care? When it doesn't really change anything at all. It won't change reality and neither will it make things better. I'll just let it slide. I don't really care anyway. Not as much as people expect me to like before. So much for saturated agendas. Does Kisachan have a good heart? Yes he does, but people always find fault in kindness and people always find some reason to fuck it all up. Yes, I'm putting the blame on someone or everyone because I'm tired of putting the blame on myself. I just want to fucking know right now, why it has to hurt? For once will someone give me the answer to that. I was watching aggy and Kk mess with some old pictures, they looked so happy. But are they really happy? Shoot me for not feeling optimistic. It's so hard to believe in anyone and anything right now. And you know something...it's fun to fucking angst like this and bitch about life, because that's all there is to it. I'm not mad at hichan - never. because he's the only one who ever showed kindness without wanting something back in return. not because he had a problem that he wanted to tell me or because he wanted something from me. I wasn't the filler, I was just someone he wanted to spend time with. and I will love him for that...forever. I'm sad to say it's never going to be like that with everyone else, from where I'm standing. Have a nice life. ~Kisa

hichan...i could never reach you. [14 Aug 2002|04:07pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | Black Balloon by Goo Goo Dolls ] agonizing two days. i finally know what it was all about. hichan answered me. i don't know how i should feel. i guess we live in really different realities. it hurts a lot. yet i can't even get angry because you're letting me down softly...you're still being considerate. and i appreciate that. thanks for treating me like i have feelings. it'll be weird seeing you again, ne? but it's nice to know that you'll always be that one person who admitted that i was special to them at one point in their life. hichan, don't say *his* name. in my heart i made a choice who i wanted. and you need not look at anyone else, if you want to know who that is. i guess this is some weird goodbye then? *crying* Baibai. ~Kisachan ((yuan!!! i have a personal lj check in my website okay *hugs* ~aggy))

[13 Aug 2002|03:40pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | Am i Wrong by Love Spit Love ] I want this pain to stop I don't expect them to understand, they're a happy couple and aggy's a happy asexual being >__< i just want to know....because it's hard to go on second guessing everything. does he like me? do we stand a chance...does the word *we* even apply to us. i don't wnat to pressure anyone into saying anything. Kk and Dd will never understand. aggy will not waste her time sorting this stuff with me. but it matters a lot. in a few hours aggy and i will be writing a post and i just know i'm going to get scolded if i don't deliver - what should i say? i'm still so jealous and i don't even know why...i feel rejecetd and i don't even know if that's applicable. Dd shouldn't have reminded me >________< but i'm not genuiney mad. I knew he was joking. I just really feel grumpy. I don't know what i feel - yet there i was in japan buying him a present T-T *sighs* and whatever happened with Chisato and Kk *shakes head* I want to solve it - but not until i solve my own problems. Chisato's not here *shrugs* until you comeback Chisato _ i'll hold my lecture >_< *baps you* you shouldn't have done it ><; Well I'm constantly whining and irate - i guess i'm really home >____< *cries* ~Kisachan

[12 Aug 2002|02:23pm] Well, I'm back in Montreal with hichan i hate having to leave tonight. I have a connecting flight back to Aggy's and I feel a little sad. Hichan and i had so much fun - and no details ne ^_^ i don't think i want to share. I'm not excited going home. I'm not even excited to go back to rping - Aggy said i should cheer up. How can I? Am I expected to be the flouncy dumbass again - sorry Aggy , it's not a mockery of how you write me - i know you're just trying to be light with stuff. But it's more on how people think I'm so dumb. Think again you may get a surprise or two coming your way. I think i should change my attitude. They want me to be a bitch ... i'll be a saint...*smirk* that's my name anyway, right - saint kisaki. Shall I canonize you first? *rolls eyes* ~Kisachan

Afew more hours [10 Aug 2002|11:06pm] just a few more hours and we'll be leaving for japan. good thing hichan and i found this icafe and both of us thought of writing some people before leaving. yuan was so nice to bring us to the airposrt and see us off - i like her a lot XD *hugs yuan!* anyway, the plan is that hichan will go to his meeting first and i'll be waiting for him at the hotel. then it's off sight seeing and shopping. quick messages: RAZZ - i wish i could've been there *huugs* HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! and i'm sorry for screaming so loud on the phone ^^ aggy said that your ears kept ringing ><; gomen. Kk - hi! call me, maybe we can talk about it. aggy told me what happened, i'm sorry. but i am gla and relieved that all's ok now. Dd - remember what i told you ne? you're the one. he said it himself...he never did stand a chance. chisato - >_< when you get to vegas remember that face. shame on you. *sighs* we'll all talk when i get back on tuesday ne? hakuchan - ne, how are you? i hope you're doing well. i'll bring you a present when i get back ne... nmchan - i hope to talk to you when i get back ^____^ *waves* aggy - i miss you a lot --- and i know you miss me deary ^_~ I don't feel so depressed anymore, i seriously put my mind in cheering up for hichan. i find him caring and considerate, i feel like we're a legitemate couple, even if we're not yet at that stage - he let me lie in bed as he packed ^^ i felt so at home. and i fell asleep on his shoulder while talking last night it was embarassing...but hichan understood - he always does...i wonder how i'll take it when it's time for us to part ways and then i have to go back and RP...i bet i'll miss him...i bet i'll want to be with him even more. i wonder if aggy will give me permission to be with hichan...am i starting to fall again or have a fallen already T-T dear me...i'm such a girl ^^ ~Kisachan

loving it here ~ [10 Aug 2002|06:18am] I am currently sharing a room with Yuan :) Montreal is great. hichan and i went out yesterday after lunch to talk in the park and visit some great tourist shops in Montreal. I think I bought a little too much for Aggy ^_^ and yes I did get the shirt for Kk, the one he's going to give Dd. And being kind hearted - I also got Chisato *rolls eyes* a present. hichan and I will be leaving for Japan tonight. i'm clinging to him and i know it's unfair ne? but i feel really sad. i know that i'm in the real world if i'm with hichan - but i can't help but feel sad about the rp i'm in. i dun want it to affect me, but it's too late ~ i'm affected T-T ... i'm sad *dramatic sigh* but hichan's been very very nice and i even got to meet Chirochan :) i even found a good salon :) yaaaay! i'll have my nails done again and have hot oil treatment for my hair...he always said i had the prettiest hair... *tears* i have to go now before i ruin my make up, and before hichan sees me. i dun wanna upset him. Aggy - i'm cooking Yuan lunch today :) take care and please do tell me about what Chisato did and why he's being punished. bai. see you all when i get to japan. *waves* ~Kisachan

i think i'm already here 0_0 !!!!! [09 Aug 2002|07:33am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | discman - "Outside" by Staind ] okay so i think i'm in canada already, we touch down in about 30 minutes to meet hichan and yuan. i have the addy from Kk and i am soo giddy. aggy's taking care of all the wonderful RP thingies and i am now starting my fateful weekend with hichan. i'm scared - even if i had my hair and nails done i still feel less confident today. i hope they don't mind me just barging over there T_T *nervous, nervous* maybe i should call yuan to pick me up....? anyway, i was able to check mail and journals courtesy of a very kindhearted gentleman with a laptop beside me - of course he let me use the damn thing because it was my lap he perched the damn thing on ~_~;; okay - just one message to Chisato --->you are the insane one and not me. at least i can take NO for an answer. i hope nmchan and aggy find you a date soon, you really need one *smirk* and Kk was that a red adidas or black adidas shirt you asked me to buy? hang in there and you did the right thing. and before i go - for the record, Chisato - you are a schizo *giggles* baiii!

hichan's pictures ^__* [07 Aug 2002|02:54pm] hichan, i'm showing you off because I LUV you very much ^_~ My hichan there, i think i should sleep now while aggy's not coughing ^^ ~Kisachan

OMG! 2 letters from hichan <3 <3 and Yuan !!! [07 Aug 2002|11:26am] [ mood | sleepless ] [ music | "People Move On" by Bernard Butler ] GOOOOODNESSSS >______< I've been sleepless for three night in a row, can anyoe please make aggy stop coughing and blowing her nose T-T she's way sick and whiny, gah! To YUCHAN and HICHAN</b> *GOMEN!* i have been very late in checking mail >_< aggy left me with the responsibility of opening and reading our mail and i totally neglected it. goodness *screams!* it's only this morning that i saw the letters. okay Yuchan to answer your question about aggy - heeeheee, she hasn't been abducted by aliens of mutted into some fangirly stalker XD your neechan is sick ^^ nono not sick in the head because we all know that already ;p i mean sick as in with the flu with coughs and colds and yep high fever. though she's getting better i promise. next up is that she's fallen from keeping a journal :( something happened...i'll email you about it. but we are currently planning therapy for her so she can go back to blogging XD. Updates...updates...updates... hmmmm, what can i say...here in aggy's house of muses - aside from me and Kk we have a latest addition in the name of Chisato *groans* who you can describe as a schizophrenic jerk - I mean he's can be so sweet when aggy's looking and turn into freaking Cyrus the Virus when shes' not. He has that ability to get on aggy's good side to get what he wants...Chisato has developed some form of crush on Kk >_< MUSECEST does not sit well wif me and in aggy's condition we gonna have to deal wif it later *sighs* anyway Chisa's rather weird and quiet - the makings of your average homicidal maniac T-T hiiiiichan save meeeee *kissu* ^_~ and hichan *goes all giddy and blushes red* i have your sketch *smiles coyly* and i love it, i swear you are really really cute *winks*. heeehee, i think you're gonna be sorry you sent that to me because i'm claiming you as my very own hahahaha! you are miiine hichan ---> mineminemine! which means i'm gonna lock you up in my room heeeheeehee :P and your letter... "Kisa-kun, i'll be in Japan next weekend and i was hoping we could meet and discuss, uh... affairs over dinner? I have a position that might benefit from your talents. Oh, and, are pet snakes any good? ~~~ hichan" *taps finger on his cheek* Of course I accept XD! I'll see you then, and pet snakes are really, really nice...if you know what i mean XD XD XD And hichan! why strap aggy into bed when you can strap me ^_~ come on now dun be shy *giggles* Yuchan told us about the K and the heart carved on the soap *giggles* that's sweet *winkwink* all the more i want to see you *very very giddy laugh* XD and dun worry about my heart problems - they come and gooo *giggles* and TO MY YUCHAN! I wanna seee your new haircut ><;; nownownow!!! and you are not a wuss! i would like to have a word with your history teacher and maybe teach her a few things about relics and artifacts...hmmmmmm, maybe i should sit on her for a while ^^;;; and you got KISOU ^____^! very nice! although I recomend Syndrome's triple album named CORE (heeeheeehee) I think that Kisou is indeed a great album - i think Undecided is aggy's fave too - reminds her of her Dad or some such drama ^^ How is Llaurie!!!!????? aggy and I miss her!!! last time she wrote was two weeks agoooo! and Yuchan aggy's alive i promise neeeeee *HUGS* >_______< hichan! why do you wanna scare Kk with the pink cocroach???? >_< scare me instead *hahahahaha* I promise to pretend I'm really, really scared ^^ we shouldn't add pressure to Kk as it is - the poor guy's falling apart, doesn't want to leave his room alwas being so clingy to Dd ~_~ so odd. I mean think of Dd as mommy koala and Kk clinging like baby koala... ~_~ something's wrong but as long as aggy's sick i can't tell her. AND Hichan...you better treat Yuchan well or you'll get a whipping from me ^_~ *purrr*...I bet you like that dun you ^_* WAH!~ I've babbled too much again >_<;;; gomen! but I'll be wanting to hear from both of you ASAP!!! *aggy waves weakly from the bed* Okay YUchan I'll talk to you soon - and hichan *purrrs* call me *winks* ~ Kisachan

SPEEDY POST! [06 Aug 2002|10:47am] i have my journal all to myself ^_^ chisato person has his own already and his user name in LJ is [darkfrozenmind], yep he got aggy's old journal, harharhar no new journal for him *rolls eyes* thus the survey answers i posted is now edited, and his answers were transferred there. aggy's almost done with the house rules YAY! ~Kisachan p.s. Chisato, no one can ever MAKE me shut up unless i want to, so don't get all high and mighty with me. Loser.

RAZZY ^_^ [05 Aug 2002|08:23pm] RAZZ!! aggy says that when you are ready to receive file please text her...no matter what time *nods* so she can go online and giv it to you. Please. Okay. ^_______^

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